Exploring Self-Respect: Insights from Joan Didion's Essay "On Self-Respect"

Photo: Kathleen Ballard, Los Angeles Times via Wikimedia commons, CC BY 4.0

Self-respect holds a profound significance in our lives, shaping our perception and valuation of ourselves and influencing every aspect of our existence. It is the foundation upon which we build our character and navigate the complexities of life with confidence and integrity.

For ancient philosophers, self-respect was not merely a concept but a fundamental pillar of a virtuous life. Self-respect was seen as essential for personal fulfillment and moral fortitude.

According to the dictionary, self-respect is:

a feeling of respect for yourself that shows that you value yourself.

This sense of self-worth goes beyond external approvals and societal expectations, grounding itself in a firm belief in one’s own dignity and values.

One of the most thought-provoking pieces on self-respect was written by Joan Didion. She was an American writer and journalist, known as one of the pioneers of New Journalism, blending literary style with factual reporting and offering personal perspectives. Didion contributed to prominent magazines, including The Saturday Evening Post, Life, Esquire, The New York Review of Books, and The New Yorker.

Didion eloquently begins her essay on self-respect, simultaneously capturing a profound moment of self-realization:

“Once, in a dry season, I wrote in large letters across two pages of a notebook that innocence ends when one is stripped of the delusion that one likes oneself. Although now, some years later, I marvel that a mind on the outs with itself should have nonetheless made painstaking record of its every tremor, I recall with embarrassing clarity the flavor of those particular ashes. It was a matter of misplaced self-respect.“

The introduction to Joan Didion's essay "On Self-Respect" revolves around a moment in her life when she realized she had lost her innocence and illusions about herself. She recounts how she wrote in her notebook, in large letters, that innocence ends when we stop deceiving ourselves about self-acceptance. 

Now, looking back, she is surprised that despite her self-disdain, she meticulously recorded her thoughts and feelings.

This passage reflects her introspection and understanding that true self-respect means taking responsibility for our actions and thoughts, rather than relying on false beliefs about ourselves. 

This reflection on misplaced self-respect is a powerful reminder that self-respect is not about maintaining illusions of self-approval but embracing accountability and authenticity.

For Didion, the source of self-respect is a responsibility that expresses itself through discipline and the ability to make difficult choices in pursuit of greater goals and values.

“Character — the willingness to accept responsibility for one’s own life — is the source from which self-respect springs.”

“Self-respect is a discipline, a habit of mind that can never be faked but can be developed, trained, coaxed forth.”

But this accountability is not free. Individuals who respect themselves realize that everything valuable comes with a price. They are willing to accept the risk that something might go wrong — be it in relationships or their professional lives.

Self-respect is about grasping the concept of trade-offs because every worthwhile pursuit demands sacrifices of various kinds. A person with genuine self-respect comprehends this reality and embraces it wholeheartedly. They recognize that they are constantly faced with choices and acknowledge their responsibility in making them.

This sentiment echoes the existentialist philosophy of thinkers like Sartre, who emphasized the importance of taking responsibility for one's choices as the foundation of genuine self-respect. It is a recognition of the inherent costs of existence and a willingness to make necessary trade-offs. Ultimately, it boils down to accepting the risks and being willing to pay the price.

“People who respect themselves are willing to accept the risk […] They are willing to invest something of themselves; they may not play at all, but when they do play, they know the odds.”

The underlying principle behind self-respect for Didion is that all the tools we use to express self-respect, such as work ethic, discipline, putting fears and doubts away, or making difficult choices, always represent something greater.

In short, self-respect is what drives us to strive for something greater than ourselves.

Previously, we mentioned that self-respect stems from true authenticity, which manifests through responsibility and discipline. This concept of authenticity, rather than relying on superficial beliefs, combined with the pursuit of something greater, is neither simple nor obvious.

Rightly, Didion noticed that appearances can be deceiving. People who, at first glance, seem to lack self-respect (e.g., they might use safety pins instead of buttons in their underwear) may possess a deep sense of self-worth.

“To protest that some fairly improbable people, some people who could not possibly respect themselves, seem to sleep easily enough is to miss the point entirely, as surely as those people miss it who think that self-respect has necessarily to do with not having safety pins in one's underwear.”

Therefore, we shouldn’t judge people superficially or based on their appearances or habits, even if they seem to lack qualities stereotypically associated with self-respect.

Self-respect is not linked to superficial standards or external signs of neatness or conformity. The art of self-respect is not easily captured on the surface.

The interesting observation Didion noticed is that the art of self-respect is something that older people, whether or not they had it, always knew all about it.

“Self-respect is something that our grandparents, whether or not they had it, knew all about. They had instilled in them, young, a certain discipline, the sense that one lives by doing things one does not particularly want to do, by putting fears and doubts to one side, by weighing immediate comforts against the possibility of larger, even intangible, comforts.“

Through this observation, Didion suggests that older generations had a better understanding of self-respect because they were raised in times when discipline and duty were valued more than individual desires. Living in difficult times forced people to confront challenges and overcome their own fears.

Didion emphasizes that self-respect is what we call character. It is an intrinsic quality, portrayed as possessing a certain toughness and moral nerve that cannot be easily acquired through external factors, such as academic achievements or professional success.

She suggests that many of the things we typically associate with self-respect, such as accomplishments or material possessions, are false symbols and do not truly define our self-respect. Genuine self-respect begins to emerge when we face difficulties and realize that external validations do not determine our true worth.

“To live without self-respect is to lie awake some night, beyond the reach of warm milk, phenobarbital, and the sleeping hand on the coverlet, counting up the sins of commission and omission, the trusts betrayed, the promises subtly broken, the gifts irrevocably wasted through sloth or cowardice or carelessness. However long we postpone it, we eventually lie down alone in that notoriously un- comfortable bed, the one we make ourselves. Whether or not we sleep in it depends, of course, on whether or not we respect ourselves.”

People with self-respect acknowledge their mistakes, understand the true worth of things, and possess moral courage that allows them to take responsibility for their lives, accept risks, and face consequences.

Didion argues that self-respect liberates us from the expectations of others and empowers us to reclaim ourselves. It's the recognition of our intrinsic worth that constitutes true self-respect, granting us the ability to discern, love, and remain indifferent.

Ultimately, self-respect is something earned through introspection, courage, and self-acceptance, not bestowed upon us by external validation. Therefore, self-respect is not given.

“To have that sense of one’s intrinsic worth which constitutes self-respect is potentially to have everything: the ability to discriminate, to love and to remain indifferent. To lack it is to be locked within oneself, paradoxically incapable of either love or indifference. If we do not respect ourselves, we are on the one hand forced to despise those who have so few resources as to consort with us, so little perception as to remain blind to our fatal weaknesses. On the other, we are peculiarly in thrall to everyone we see, curiously determined to live out – since our self-image is untenable – their false notion of us. We flatter ourselves by thinking this compulsion to please others an attractive trait: a gist for imaginative empathy, evidence of our willingness to give.”

It's worth noting that Didion suggests assigning the correct weight to certain events because we often overreact to certain situations, which leads to disproportionate feelings of shame. Understanding that not every misstep or mistake should cause us to feel ashamed is crucial for self-respect.

Didion believes that true self-respect comes from an inner strength that allows us to acknowledge our mistakes and face them without resorting to excuses or blaming others. Additionally, Didion believes that self-respect is the ability to separate past experiences from the present.

Healthy self-respect involves the capacity to process and let go of past shame, which enables a more balanced and conscious approach to present challenges.

Summary

Joan Didion in her essay on self-respect, teaches that people with self-respect exhibit a certain toughness that reflects a deep acknowledgment of their intrinsic value, directing their decisions and actions towards values greater than themselves.

She suggests that we should shift our focus from external validation to internal integrity and develop the moral nerve to stop constantly battling our inner demons. It enables us to live more peacefully and authentically.

According to Didion, self-respect leads to inner peace and less emotional burden, making daily life less fraught with internal conflicts.

Her essay is an invitation to reflect on how we perceive ourselves and our actions and how we can develop inner strength and self-respect in the face of life's challenges.

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